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Funny Facebook Status & Quotations

Find below the best funny quotes and cute funny quotations for friends. You can also use our collection as facebook funny status. These quotations can be used in funny greetings.

  • Zombies are looking for brains. Don’t worry. You’re safe.
  • I wonder what happens when doctor’s wife eats an apple a day.
  • Running away does not help you with your problems, unless you are fat.
  • I’d tell you what I’m doing but I’ve learned from other evil villains not to announce my plans first.
  • I’ll sell my broken watch when the time is right.
  •  If you can’t laugh repeatedly on the same joke,why do you cry over and over again on the same issue?
  • The four most important words in any marriage…”I’ll do the dishes.
  • When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

Funny quotations

  • Don’t feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.
  • Women are scientifically proven to be right even when they are wrong.
  • I can’t understand why I flunked American history. When I was a kid there was so little of it.
  • I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.
  • A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
  • Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.
  • The only reason people get lost in thought is because its unfamiliar territory.
  • I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but Im not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.
  • Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It’s just that yours is stupid.
  • It is no exaggeration to say that the undecided could go one way or another.
  • I’m so old they’ve cancelled my blood type.
  • As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two…
  • Yes time flies. And where did it leave you? Old too soon…smart too late.
  • If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
  • “If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind someone and pinching him is probably a joke that gets old real fast.”

Funny quotes

Our writers have spent time in doing research online to provide you the cute funny  quotes. Read these funny quotes and quotations and use them on greetings cards or send message on mobiles.


  • Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
  • Dogs have masters. Cats have staff.
  • I lost my teddy bear, can I sleep with you?
  • Beer is proof God Loves us and wants us to be happy.
  • A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
  • All generalizations are bad.
  • It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
  • Dogs have Owners, Cats have Staff.
  • All men are equal before fish.
  • Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
  • A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me and she said ‘no’.
  • Ah, good ol’ trustworthy beer. My love for you will never die.

funny quotes

  • Accept that some days you are the pigeon, and some days you are the statue.
  • A word to the wise ain’t necessary – it’s the stupid ones that need the advice.
  • When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
  • To generalize on women is dangerous. To specialize on them is infinitely worse.
  • A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
  • “One of the best things people can have up their sleeve is a funny bone”
  • “Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.”
  • “The only real diet: If it tastes good … spit it out.”
  • Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.
  • He who laughs last probably does not get the joke.
  • Children in the dark cause accidents, accidents in the dark cause children.
  • Tennis is a fickle sport. No matter how good you are at it, a wall will always be better.
  • “I don’t make typos. I make new words.”
  • Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; Albert Einstein and I’m not sure about the universe
  • A friend doesn’t go on a diet because you are fat.
  • A nickel isn’t worth a dime anymore.
  • I think crime pays. The hours are good, you travel a lot.
  • I am at two with nature.
  • People laugh because I’m different, I laugh because they are all the same.
  • Got a mosquito bite last night. Bet that little guy is hangover today.
  • I Hate How Chocolate Immediately Melt On My Fingers. I Mean, Am I That Hot?
  • I don’t want kiss you. I just want to tell your lips a secrete.
  • You insult me: I can handle it. You insult my best friend: I’m going to break your face:D
  • A boy’s eye is faster than Google when searching for a girl in a crowd